I Think I am Losing Myself.
I have been feeling a bit *not myself* lately. I have felt emotional, said things I didn’t mean, acted like… well, a bitch.
I am going to admit that. I can be a real bitch sometimes. To my husband, my kids, my fellow bloggers. I have said things and made blanket statements that have been turned around and interpreted in ways that I didn’t meant for them to. But when I read one particular comment after being called out on it, I realized.. “oh shit, that DOES look bad”.
Nobody likes to be called out on their bullshit. But the worst thing? I upset this person who called me out. I gave her a reason to not trust me as much.
That hurt. This is a blogger who I love as a sister and trust with all of my heart. So to make her feel bad in any way, shape, or form… well, it upset me to the core. Even if she didn’t take it as super bad, the mere thought of it rocked my innards, and not in a good way.
We talked. I cried. She was like “dude, it’s ok”. But I still cried. I’m STILL crying. She made me realize that by saying what I said, it was the equivalent of trying to befriend Regina George just to fit in. That’s not me. That never has been me. I’m the one with the hot-pink hair who goes against the grain and does what I want. Since WHEN do I follow the cool kids?
I realized that I was getting caught up in the high-schoolery of blogging. Believe me, there is a high school mentality. Whether you want to believe it or not, it exists. We all have labels on us and labels we put on others. I looked at myself through the eyes of someone else and saw that I was trying to turn my label into something I am not.
I am NOT a follower. I am NOT a gossiper.
I am a LEADER. Even if I had nobody following me but my dog and kids. At least I am blazing that trail. Where I am going remains to be seen. But at least it’s mine to do what I want with and nobody can take me away from that. I am lost in the forest of status updates and chirping notifications, so I guess I need to start walking.
With that said, I figured out the biggest distraction of me finding me is the world of Facebook. With the secret rooms and private conversations it’s easy to get caught up in the whole drama life. So I cut the ties for now. With the exception of required campaigns that I am required to do I am leaving Facebook. I gotta say, it felt so good to delete that app from my phone.
I just realized that writing this post is first time today I have calmed down enough to stop the tears flowing.