While I sit here typing, I can’t help but think about my impending IVF cycle. I am so scared. I am not afraid of the injections, the retreival, the transfer. I am scared to death it won’t work.

This is our only shot. My insurance covers up to $10K of fertility treatments. This treatment will cost about that much. I can’t afford another one. I have gone through so much and I feel like if it doesn’t work I am out of resources. We can do maybe one FET, but that’s if we have any embies to freeze. I usually don’t have a problem producing eggs with medical intervention. I respond well to injections. At least I did. My injection cycles were interesting. First one I was ‘shooting up” 14 days, progressing from 75UI at first ten 100UI towards the end. 2nd one was only 8 days, but I surged on my own and had to rush the IUI. 3rd cycle was 7 days, and again, I started surging early.

Each of these resulted in negatives.

I actually POASed after my trigger shot once just to *see* 2 lines. How sad is that? I had never seen them in person, I wanted to know what they looked like. I am deathly afraid that I will never see that *for real*.

Now I know IVF is different from injection cycles, but that’s all I have to go by.

I am planning my entire life and future around the possibility of having a baby. Everything I do right now is only for the benefit of my potential future child. If it doesn’t work…

Ugh. I don’t want to think about it.

On to the better part of the day. DH and I took a nice long walk with our doggies and just enjoyed each other’s company. So much of our time is either spent away form eachother, asleep, or watching something on tv. Tomorrow we are driving out to the beach for the day, and I am so looking forward to it.

The dogs will have fun too..